I sit in the living room and suddenly hear screams from people having an argument next door. My kitty's ears perk up, he lowers himself to the floor as he runs into the bedroom. I suddenly realize why is reacting to this with such fear. He is a witness to the screams from his past. The screams that came were from me.
I know now as I did then, why I was screaming. The emotional toll it had (has) on every living thing in that house came roaring up at me in that moment I heard the argument and saw my kitty's reaction to it. A wave of remorse and regret flooded me to my soul. How could I have been so self absorbed in my own pain that I did not see what I was creating for the loving creatures around me? To see the fear in my kitty, knowing my reaction to my own emotional pain created emotional pain in him. How do I express my regrets to him? To anyone that heard those screams. I can't.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, remembering the horror of that event. How do I apologize, I can't. How do I heal their wounds, I can't. The past is in the past and should he left there. Wishing I could change it is futile at best. He is an animal, I can't say the words 'I'm sorry". Just realized saying those words to a human makes about as much sense. It doesn't fix anything. Knowing someone regrets what they did to hurt you shows compassion in that person but the wounds are still there. So how do we heal the ones who were hurt as well as the ones who did the hurting. Knowing I was the one hurting the ones I love brings great sorrow to my soul. My lame attempt to apologize to one of them was done too soon. I did not allow myself the same compassion as I would have another person. I needed to see what a did to those I love and it took hearing the neighbors argument and my kitty run, to become aware of it. I can't change anything, what happened...happened. It may sound selfish but beating myself up about it will only create havoc in my soul.
Yes I truly wish that never happened. That I could take back every single sound of anger that came out of my mouth. That I could wipe that slate clean as if it never happened. I can't. We can't. All I can do now is forgive myself, knowing what I did was wrong and vowing never to do it again. It seems so simple doesn't it.......?
No one escapes from facing past behaviors they regret, but yeah, that's gone, over and done. The only question left is "did I learn?". To me, my past looks like chapters of a book. Some sad, some joyful but hopefully all leading to a better understanding of myself and others and ultimately, compassion and love.
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